I was thankfully raised in a wonderful christian home, with great parents to look up to, that loved each other so much, and a brother that fell in love with a wonderful woman, and they love each other whole heartedly. I have such a big heart, it seems like everytime I try to give it, its just thrown back at me all crumbled up. I am struggling so bad with what seems to be an endless game. I don't understand why some people can say they love you and the next day do something so awful and hurt you so badly. Why can't I find that person who wants to give their heart to me whole heartedly just like I do? I don't understand how some people can be so heartLESS. I wish I could move away from my current home. Don't get me wrong, I love my own space but its so hard to live so close to people that have hurt me so badly. I want to start all over somewhere else and have a clean slate. I could move now but I can't afford to break my lease. Its more expensive to leave than it is to stay. I want and need new friends that will love on me and be true friends. I'm not forgetting my current true friends. If it weren't for them, then I don't know how I could still even stand to live here.
I had a really great talk with my dad today. Yes! My Dad! (those of you who know my dad, he is very quite and to himself) I talked to him about this issue I was having and he reminded me of the passage in the Bible when Jesus wept. The Jews hated him, rejected him, did awful things to him, but Jesus still loved and cared about them no matter what. Sometimes I wish I could not care at all and be selfish. But as a christian, I was taught to love no matter what and try to be selfless. Its really hard for me right now to love no matter what. Especially, someone who has somewhat betrayed me. It comforts me to know that Jesus felt hurt to when he was rejected. It gives me hope that someday I'm going to be loved whole heartedly by someone else. I've also come to the realization, Finally, after Taylor has told me this many times, I'm going to have to be in the right place with Christ before I can get what I have longed for such a long time. I don't just want companionship, I want Love, TRUE WHOLE HEARTED LOVE!!!
Why can't I get my messy life cleaned up right?
3 comments:
My heart hurts for you... you DESERVE to be loved fully. God WILL bring beauty from the ashes. I know it.
There is someone out there that will love you fully. I know it is hard to see that right now. You have so much going for you and you deserve the best. I am glad that you and your dad talked. I am always here for you. Love ya!
I am so sorry Kristin. it hurts to see like this, I just want you to know that I pray for you every night that God would send you someone to love you like you deserve! I love you and I am always here if you need me.
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