Grace in the midst...

Lately I've struggle with wanting to know EXACTLY what God wants me to do. I know He wants me to do this but what if I'm not comfortable? Scared? Intimidated? I avoided prayer for a while because I knew He would tug on that string again. I've finally had to have the confrontation. I'm in a very prime time in my life with my maturity and spiritually. Its time I do something about it.

In the past month or so, in the midst of trying to stay on top of my school stuff, I've been breaking apart the book of Ruth. If you haven't read it, you really should. Its a great book! There are several things that have caught my attention as I take it verse by verse. I know this might sound like I'm writing for a literature class but this is what I've gather so far; God has grace and mercy on us in the midst of our easiest and most difficult situations. Ruth was a Moabite woman who married a man that was orginally from Bethlehem. Most moabite women were pretty much stereotyped as skanks. Ruth traveled to Bethlehem with her mother-in-law, Naomi after her husband and father-in-law had died. This part gets me... Ruth was a foreigner to Bethlehem. It was probably a culture shock to her. After Naomi and Ruth got to Bethlehem, things pretty much fell in place for them. They went without a home and they were genuinely welcomed by the people in Bethlehem. Naomi, especially, was down in the dumps, she had lost two sons and her husband. It was so bad she told the people to call her Mara, which literally means bitter. She told them that God had afflicted her. Can you imagine the emotion she was going through? Even through all of this God had mercy and grace on her and Ruth. I looked up the meaning of grace and was moved by it. Grace: "the freely given, unmerited favor and love of god." Mercy: "compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence".

At all times, God shows his freely given, unmerited favor and compassionate forebearance towards us even when we have afflicted him. This is mind boggling in itself.

Alot of times I wonder what other people in the church are going through and what their walk with Christ is like. This past Sunday evening, I had a chance to interact, conversate, discuss and pray with a few of the elders in the church. Its amazing how much we can learn from each other. I truly want to know their hearts desires and struggles. I expressed to them how I need discipling and through that they could learn about me also. I was surpised to hear from them that they want to how "we younger people" work. Its crazy how two generations can be completely different.

On another note, I started school on Monday and I think so far I have done more reading from a text book than I have done in quite a while. I feel like my brain in stuttering a bit. Please be in prayer for me as I literally work though school. I'm taking 12 hours this semester plus 25 hours of work. Pray that I am able to manage my time properly.

I Believe

As I look back and read my previous blogs (yes, I know its been over a year and a half since I blogged) I can see what a change I have made in my life. I was reading the old posts and praising God for never leaving my side. I have come a long, long, long way from where I was spiritually and emotionally.

In the past year and a half I have overcome enourmous obstacles that I could never have gotten through if it wasn't for my true friends, family and Jesus. I was at the low of lows. Spritually, I had almost denied Jesus and was ashamed of calling myself a christian. I thought I could get through anything on my own because of course I had control of everything. Right?! WRONG!!!! My non spiritual state and bottled up crazy emotions had led me to a life of bitterness, pain, hurt, resentment and hatred. I tried to handle it all on my own which ultimately led me to become and alcoholic at the age of 22 (now almost 24). At the time, I didn't realize what I was doing to myself and my family. I am so incredibly grateful to have a family like I do. Even though I was putting them through my rollercoaster they loved me.

In December of 2009, I had a major meltdown. I was on the way home from a friends wedding, with my amazing sister-in-law, and finally opened up to her about what was going on in my life. If it wasn't for her loving, caring and trustworthy spirit, I would never had been able to ask for help. Asking for help was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was in way to deep to even try pulling myself out. With her and a friends help and resources I was able to recieve remarkable help. At this time, I will have been a recovering alcoholic for 8 months. I struggled for a long time with the shame I brought on myself and the underlying emotional problems I had. I have finally been able to endure through the process of dealing with my emotions and my alcohol problems. I am 8 months sober!

God can and will still use me to do His work in His kingdom! I have committed myself to seeking and serving the Lord with all my heart. I have come so far from where I was and still have further to go in my journey of being recovered and seeking the Lord. I have an amazing family and amazing friends that love and care for me more than I can imagine. When I thought God was going to throw me away he reminded me that he will never leave nor forsake me. He sacrificed His Son on that dreadful cross just so I could screw up time and time again and still have a place at His right hand. I am constantly amazed at the work Christ is doing in my life and in others.

Please do not think I posted this for others to have pity on me and for some to tell me its ok. I don't want your pity. I do want your prayers. I do want to use my life as a testimony for Christ. Please help me fight for Christ.

I will be using my blog as a place for me to put my thoughts as I wrestle through trying to understand what God has for me to learn.